saying goodbye

So.. it's been a little more difficult to get on a computer with the teens here getting in line for internet time. Sorry for the delay in updates!

Here's the news so far:

• 2 sets of siblings went home to their parents! yay! Their parents came and picked them up. All the kids have been telling me about it over and over again. It's reflection of their own longing to be reunited with their family, I think.
• 2 boys (1 highschool, 1 middle school) ran away a while back. One returned yesterday but then got sick and is in the hospital. I'm not sure what's going with that. The other boy (middle schooler) is still out on his own. I asked his sister who's shares the room with me and she said he probably won't be coming back and he likes it out there. Both of these boys were the ones no one wanted to deal with and were labeled as troublemakers. They definitely have felt rejection within the home and as such, feel no regrets about running off. Please pray for their eyes to be opened to the Sonship they share with Jesus and that they will realize that people truly do love them.
• Lastly, the dorm mom for the middle/high school girls left today. She has been serving here for 3 years and the girls have grown to respect her despite her being a bit harsh with them at times. After lunch we had a small farewell party for her with many of the other kids from the home attending. The girls made her a card with notes from other kids and staff, and a video presentation, which was impressive given the effort they put in (usually they give up after a little while). A lot of tears from both dorm mom and her girls. A new dorm mom is coming next week after their summer camp. Please pray for trust to build between the new dorm mom and the girls.

Also, the annual CAMP is starting on Monday for 5 days. It's an all out event where all the kids go "camping" in the front yard and aren't allowed back in. Cooking, cleaning, sleeping (for the boys at least), playing games and presentations all happen outdoors! It's very draining on the staff but the kids look forward to it a lot. Please pray for the Lord to fill me with energy and excitment for this event. I haven't gotten fully rested since my arrival and have been lagging behind a little.

I love u all so much. sorry for the grammar/typos. Too tired to proofread. Good nite!

Current state of mind (12 hr to departure)

I have yet to pack and there are still last-minute errands to run. In a way, I can't believe I'll be leaving across the ocean within the next 12 hrs. Surreal is the word. I try not to be, but I'm scared...even to the point that I wonder, "maybe I shouldn't go." What if I am disappointed? In myself mostly but also I'm afraid of being disappointed in God. That's definitely not the Prince of Peace speaking, I know! But last year when I went, it was a life changing experience and God took me to whole different level of intimacy and truth. But what if this time around, it's not as amazing? I want it to be but what if my flesh gets in the way and I come back the same? All that money and prayers spent on me would have been wasted!

But every time my mind wanders away like that, the Spirit reminds me that Jesus does not disappoint. He takes us from glory to glory. Never backwards. If it's on my strength and my knowledge, I am certain that I will be disappointed. But I embody Christ. The one who is victorious over all sin and all circumstance is in me. The authority and power that Jesus had in rebuking Satan is in me because I am covered by His blood.

Lord, I claim your victory in my life and in those whom I will serve. I bind the spirit of fear and pride in your blood and cast them out. I thank you for all the future victories you have promised. Amen.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you ...

Money. I needed it. Airfare was covered, but the time between my going and my returning was not. At first I thought to just use my school loans. "I could pay it back later when I start working" was my thought. But the Lord said to ask and it will be given to me. Plus, my Father is the lord of all wealth and riches...it's not a hard thing for Him so why not ask? Last year, many of my relatives in Korea gave me "allowance" money since I hadn't seen them in over 10 years. And now this year, the money is flowing in from my relatives in the U.S. Mostly it's like "Here's some money to buy what I asked you for, and here's some more for you to spend." God's the ultimate sugar-daddy :)

A dream come true :)

So, even before leaving Korea last summer (2009), I wanted to go back. I remember specifically this one teen at the home asking me if I'd be returning anytime soon. At that time, all I could say was "I hope I can. I will someday!" and the response I got from him was, "No, you're not going to come back. They always say they will but never do..." That just about did it for me and I have been praying on and off for God to give me an opportunity to go back asap.

Upon my return back to the States, I had to jump into school almost right away at JMU, but in the meantime, I had gotten information about a Korean lady nearby who held a World Mission prayer meeting every Wednesdays. More importantly, I was told that she had a heart for the Orphanage Ministry in Korea. So without any headsup, I just dropped in one Wednesday evening praying that it wouldn't be so awkward. As soon as I got introduced to the prayer lady, she told me that she had been praying for me! This really surprised me since I had never seen her before nor did she she know me. Later she told me that she saw my name in a Servants newsletter as going to Korea for missions and started praying for me right away. That night, I got to share with her my experience in Korea and pray together with some other cool people.

Ever since then, she (Mrs. Lim) has become a great spiritual mentor to me, and a small group of us have been gathering together regularly to pray for various missionaries all over the world. And on one of these days, she brought up the possibility of my going back to Korea. I started getting excited right away but also worried about time and expenses. But God has been so faithful! Ms.Lim has covered the entirety of my airfare and I found out that I had a good month off before having to return to school! Not only that, NamSan Home was not going to receive any summer volunteer this summer but upon hearing that I was interested in returning.. they said YES!

And so...my SUPER awesome, God-appointed, God-anointed trip begins~~~~~~ ^^

midterm week.. once again

what is it about test week that makes one want to do everything else but study? For instance, instead of studying for my phonological disorders (sounds cool right?) midterm I want to sing and dance to the song "Giver of life." I don't know what it is about that song that makes me want to jump off my chair singing at the top of my lungs and do the Carlton dance.

so here's the plan

I am going to do a massive update and I thought the best way to do that is to just start from where I left off which was like a month ago. I have learned and felt so much that to not share would be taking from God's glory. Plus, I've been getting a few comments of how I stopped writing and such from people... hehehe. Ok so here goes~

7/31/09

I've been realizing that it's not the unfamiliar and "outside of my bubble" experiences that God tests us most through. When things are strange and we don't know what's going on, don't we tend to depend on Him more? "God, help me!" "I need you!" are common prayers that God often answers. Having been at the home for a little more than month has already dulled that sense of newness and vulnerability. I am starting to lose my patience a lot faster and show it more openly with my partner and some of the kids. All because I am losing my desperation for God. Yesterday, I went around trying to get group pictures of all the kids at the home. Elisabeth and I wanted surprise them by framing the picture and writing a note on them before we left. So out of good intentions I went to go take pictures. The first group I approached was middle/high school boys. Most of the kids were reluctant but willing in various degree but there was this one kid who was so absorbed in watching anime with some older hyungs that he refused to take it. So in the end, I threatened that unless he came I would just get in their way the whole time (which probably wasn't the best strategy). So basically I forced him to take a picture and it totally showed in the picture! Then he started to ignore and talk smack. Dude! so frustrating! it's just a picture!

Then that night, the baby cried and cried and I couldn't figure it out. Then after like 30 mins of crying he started to gag then throw up first on my shoulder, then on my pants, then on my foot. And to top it off, he had pooped a butt load in his diaper. With his dorm mom not being around (all the teachers were running about getting ready for the camp), I washed him and changed him with him crying the whole time. So right when I was carrying him and he was calming down a little, his dorm mom rushes in and takes him from me saying to the baby "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left you..." which made me feel as if I wasn't doing a very good job. All I could do at this point was go up to my room with reeking clothes and get ready for bed.

Arghh!! what a horrendous day! I complained to my partner all that. But honestly, did I expect every day to go my way, all fun and affection and everyone liking me? Ok, well I kinda had hoped but I don't know why it bothered me so much that it wasn't especially today. I felt as if I had been there for many many months and I felt so exhausted. So this is what feeling familar does to you... make you get snappy quicker. Lord, more than when all this was new, increase the love you have for your people in me. Help me to be dripping with your love, Jesus!

8/01/09
Today is the first day of camp. Camp at NamSan Children's home is basically 5 days and 5 nights of eating, playing, living outdoors in these tarp gazebo things. No one is technically allowed to come back indoors because it's suppose to be like we've all gone somewhere far away to go camping or something. So all the kids pack their bags with undies and a few change of clothes and the teachers bring out bundles and bundles of blankets for the kids to use when sleeping outdoors under mosquito nettings. With the 5 days of camp comes the realization that those 5 days are going to be precious time of being soaked with the kids and staff. 24/7, no personal space, no personal time just camp.

The kids are super excited though that we will be staying for camp. They keep on asking, "Are you staying for camp? really? (hug)" and even the older boys have come up to us asking us the same thing minus the hug. I think to them Camp is their version of a family vacation and that we will be joining them makes us kinda like family too. I'm really looking forward to it but as of yet, I feel lost and in the way of preparation. Also, my eyes are opening to the fact that I am still an outsider despite the 2 months here. I can't expect to be embraced and loved by all, although I try hard to be :) But in the end, it's not about how much they like me, right?

8/07/09
Camp ended two days ago. It was a blur of games, programs, eating, cleaning, getting rained on, swimming, laughing, sleeping on hard tiles, getting thrown in the pool, and unforgettable memories... I'll post pictures on facebook with comments :)

But through camp, I was able to experience more of the kids and spend time with kids who I couldn't have been with before. The last night, prior to being thrown into the pool, we took pictures... kinda like farewell pics b/c I would be leaving in a few days. I told them I would be back but many of the kids seemed skeptical and said how everyone just says that. But after many bouts of persuading them I will truly be back, they seemed to believe me. Honestly, I don't know when I will be able to keep that promise but I am asking God that He send me back sooner rather than later. I miss these kids so much even as they are in front of me laughing and joking around.

And today is my last day at the home. I regreat the the day was spent in such hustle and bustle- running last minute errands and packing-- that I didn't get to see much of the kids. Last night though was a good time of saying bye with Elisabeth to all the kids. We went around to each room and gave a group photo with personal notes written on it. The kids really liked it and actually every room was missing such a group picture so it worked out well. One of the older kids surprised the two of us by giving us a goodbye present, a really nice watch! Mine was purple and Elisabeth's pink with flashy faux diamonds all around.. haha~ the thought and affection behind it blew me away the most. I never would have thought to get something like that for them yet they would for us.. amazing.

I feel like, in the end, more than me having loved the kids here, I have been loved by them. They always have looked at me with smiles and affectionate nods. I'm going to miss them to no end. How I wish God would call me into this ministry, but I feel that He's planning something else for me when I return to the states. Funny story: One of the 3rd grade boys named Kyung-Min and I were doing dishes during Camp. He wasn't very efficient but still helpful. So we got to talking and he asked me "Why do you have to go back to America?" I carefully told him that I have some things to take of when I get back. And after pausing and thinking a bit he said, "If you don't do it, will you die?" HAHAHAHA... well.. I guess I wouldn't die but it made an impression on me and I seriously considerd staying in Korea a bit longer.

So during my very final moments, with your help, I was able to surprise the home with gift. After buying my plane tickets and subtracting tithe and living expenses, I still had ~$350 in my fund. I wanted to donate it to the home, but for what, I prayed. The best way for the money to get to everyone in the home was, I thought, food. Through the 2 months I've been here, the kids often don't get to go out to eat unless it's through a sponsered event or in little groups. There is rarely any money left over for the home to spend on extravagence as eating out. So I donated the money to the director specifying that I wanted them to eat out with it.. honestly it wasn't much to offer for 60+ people to eat out but somehow he negotiated with a restuarant and made it work. And coincidentally, that day the lady who usually cooks for the home couldn't make it and the other teachers were in a dilemna as to feed everyone dinner so 30 minutes after I gave the money and we took final pictures, off they went to eat donkatsu and korean jjigae. Thank you all for your generosity! You have been such a blessing to me and the kids! They were so excited and couldn't stop asking, "Really? we're eating out!??" and all were grinning ear to ear even the oldest of the kids. heh. thank you~

soon to be updated!

This is just a quick note that I have not abandoned my blog only neglected it for some time. I will be returning with updates of how the last few weeks in Korea were as well as how things have been now that I am back (and yes, I am back). My apologies for keeping you all in the dark. But to sum it up, my time in Korea was so amazing and SUCH a blessing! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!